I Hope You're Better

This has been rattling around in my head since last August. I just haven’t found the time to sit down and write it. Last year my team had a summer intern join us. We cycled him through some real world projects with various levels of difficulties, and he had a chance to experience some headwinds. He admirably rose to the challenge, and at the end of his time with us left very nice notes for his two mentors and our manager.

The penultimate sentence of his note reads:

I promise to be the same mentor you were for me when I get to that level in my career.

It’s strange to write, but I don’t want to hold you (or any of my former mentees) to a promise like this. On it’s face, I certainly don’t want anyone to be the same as me. I hope you’re better.

Now that’s not to add pressure, but reassurance. You’ve had your time with me, and that was hopefully a fruitful time filled with growth. There are other opportunities out there. New challenges to face, and new horizons to explore. Just walk your journey one step at a time.

In time, you’ll find that the mentor-mentee relationship isn’t as fixed as it may seem. Those with experience often have just as much to learn from you as you do from them. I don’t want to get too preachy by invoking a religious text, but there’s a verse in the book of Proverbs that I’ve been mulling over in my head (please forgive my quote of scripture with alterations): “As iron sharpens iron, so must one engineer edify another.” We are here as software developers to work as a team to solve problems through knowledge. We have to learn and teach one another.

I have to confess something. I’m not always as patient as I seem. There are always moments when I’m working with someone where negative thoughts creep in. I have sometimes given up in frustration if it takes too many different explanations to convey an idea to someone. I start thinking there’s a problem with the person I’m talking to, or that maybe I don’t understand the concept well enough to explain it. These things could be true, but I have found that negative thoughts are often pernicious and destructive. It is best to evaluate them with detached stoicism and not to act on them impulsively. There may just be times when you are not the right fit for the other person. It may even be best to part ways.

If you are sticking it out with someone that you’re not connecting with very well. Try to run the types of explanations that you’re employing past someone else. See if they have a different angle on it that you can present. When negative thoughts creep in for you, take a break. Go for a walk to clear your head. Maybe try and find a quiet spot to meditate.

No matter what happens with a situation where you have struggled to connect with a teammate, think through how you’ve acted. Think through how you can improve. As I stated above, I’ve had to work on what to do when I have to explain a concept multiple ways. I’ve tried to pivot towards suggesting resources where the other person might be able to explore the concept themselves. If what I’m saying isn’t clicking someone somewhere else might have an explanation that suits them. I personally have to let go of the self concept that I am the person with the answers.

With some thoughts towards my own flaws as a mentor aired, I would like to talk about another reason that I hope all of my mentees become better engineers and mentors than I am. Outside of school, I don’t think I had very positive mentors in my early career. I look back at those that I saw as mentors and see nothing but counter examples. Maybe I’m too harsh on them, but I’ve had to deal with interpersonal clashes, taciturn criticism that didn’t help illuminate problems, and down right bullying. I don’t want to unpack the dirty laundry of why my flawed mentors behaved the way they did (I know at least one of them was dealing with quite a bit of emotional stress). I should be humble enough to admit that I’m likely at least a few people’s counter example of good mentorship.

Looking back and seeing negative examples motivates me to try my best to be a positive example. I want to be kinder, more patient, and more edifying than those that came before me. If I can accomplish that, then hopefully those I’ve mentored can go on to make the software industry a better place than when we entered it.